You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
dude. I can hear the air.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
