The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just found a bag of teeth...
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Randomize
