she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
