between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
