some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
