Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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