ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
