how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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