I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
