The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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