no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
