well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
