Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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