Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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