brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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