You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
