I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
babies were throwing up all over the place
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Randomize