i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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