I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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