I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
