Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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