Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Drunk is a universal language darling
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
