Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
