I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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