I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
