In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
