i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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