It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
