glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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