So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
