Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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