It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
