You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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