My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
