This is not my ceiling
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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