Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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