I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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