He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
