someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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