sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
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