i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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