Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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