never play flip cup with pint glasses
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I need to calm my uterus...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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