he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
