My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
