I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize