in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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