Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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