yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
