just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
