I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
