remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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