Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
