They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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