He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
The Olympian is in my bed
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
