Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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