Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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