i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Did we literally take a cab across the street
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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