i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
