Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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