READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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