i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
