I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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